"Conscious"

A poem written by Lua Harmsen on September 26, 2012

"Conscious"

As I drag my feet in denile

As I close my eyes supressing every torrential wave

As I locked my doors so I could hide behind a smile

Time went on in that same way.

As I dragged my feet,

never stretched my legs,

darkness and shadows and clouds creeped in

a film, a gunk of constant turbulant woe

a storm began to brew in the coffee pot of my head

thoughts in a cyclon, sounds in a spin

till I couldn't hear myself

or maybe wouldn't listen

day after day it rained and it poured

week after week waves battered my shores

never a rest from my conscience

drivin relentless trying to get in a word

playing like a broken record

singing like a mocking bird

It's not easy to know what's right 

and ignor yourself.

As if there were two me's

in a constant battle

as I tried to please someone else more than my other self

i became divided, broken, shattered

using others as an excuse

we waged war

fighting with myself left me bruised and soar

grenades expode, bombs flash with tears

It took so long for the smoke to clear

I won't mention my battle

Till I let my self hear

It became to much to bare

daily agony of silence

never ending by itself

never letting up or tiring

there is a warrior in me 

but I'm the one she keeps in check

She'll wreck me and doesn't care

Learn to trust that conscience knows best

"Pain"

A poem written by Lua Harmsen on June 15, 2014

"Pain"

I'm desensotized

It's not right

It's not free

You should not feel your feelings

You should not cry

You ahould not speak

You are worthless

You're wrong

You're weak

Why should you have the luxury to feel what you feel?

When I live day by day 

Living through pain constantly

It will wear off

You'll get used to it

You little piece of shit

I hope you never heal fully

I hope you have to live with it

If you keep working

Someday you'll deserve a break

Some far off day

In wonderland

Where the streets are paved with gold

You can wear a pretty thorny crown

If you do just what you're told

It doesn't matter how you feel

Your body just lies to you

It wants to make you think you can do thiings you can't do

Or live a life you want

Or simply escape the pain

You're worthless 

And you're hopeless

There's no point 

It's all the same

Those people around you want you dead, 

Or in the palm of their hand

Why would any of them care if you ever stopped feeling pain?

There's nothing left to do but let go because they constantly demand

"Sometimes."

A poem written by Lua Harmsen on June 8, 2014

"Sometimes."

Sometimes I breath fire

Sometimes I'm ice cold

Sometimes I'm shy and timid

Sometimes I'm brave and bold

Sometimes my eyes are open

Sometimes they are closed

The lesson to be learned is to trust the ebb and flow

Sometimes I hate myself

But sometimes I'm so damn funny

Sometimes I feel gorgeous

And sometimes I think I'm ugly

Sometimes I know My power

And sometimes i need a hand

There is nothing wrong with being exactly who I am

Sometimes i see in technicolor

Sometimes the world is dark and gray

They greatest ability you have is to allow yourself to change

Sometimes i can remember

And sometimes i forget

That there's much more left to learn I'm not done here yet

Sometimes I am grateful

Sometimes I think I don't have enough

Sometimes I'm soft and gentle

Sometimes I am too rough

There's nothing to be feared

If you are sure and certain 

That sometimes you can open the window

And sometimes you can close the curtains...

To All My Inner Children

Journal entry written May 23, 2014

To all my inner children and to India,

I vow to love you like you should have been loved.

And to all you inner children,

I vow to to hold you when you need to be held,

I vow to sing to you when you need a song.

I vow to allow you to dance when you need to swing. 

I vow to let you go on the slide as many times as possible,

I vow to let you go on as many rollaer coasters and fair rides as your stomach will allow.

I vow to always let you draw pictures when you want to,

And to paint,

And to make as much food,

And wear as much makeup, 

And dance dance dance!

"Power"

A poem written by Lua Harmsen on August 12, 2014

"Power"

Powerless? 

Try power yes!

Like tiger's jaw

We all have strength no matter what

Like the babes' cry out

We work with what we've got

That power tool in your hand means you can construct

That switch on the wall means you can light things up

The slave's powerful hands are used by the owner to till the field

But his real power lies in the hymns that help him heal

And the songs that keep him smiling while chains tie down his feet

And when he looks up and his companions tender eyes meet

The power of the lion is ever present even when he sprawls in the sun

His mighty paw looses nothing by resting when the day is done

The might of the great oak lies not in what you see 

But in the strong deep roots below the tree

The power of an ax is nothing in itself, without the arms to wield it, no tool can ever help

The strength of those muscles is feeble if they never pull their weight

Only moving and repeating can ever change their state

"Grasping"

journal entry August 12, 2014

Grasping-

The first concept I would like to illustrate for you is that of grasping, and how it causes us pain. A lot of us have learned many notions and ideas of how to reach a state of enlightenment or happiness, but learning them mentally does not solve our problem. Have you ever heard the phrase " when you know better, you do better"? Its not exactly true. Being able to dictate the steps verbally does not mean we are able to execute them. So when someone tells us "you need to let go of your ego in order to be happy", it leaves us with more questions than we began with. What is the ego? How does it keep me from being happy? How do I let go of my ego? How do I tell the difference between my ego and my intuition?

So what is the solution when you have a big end goal like reaching enlightenment or happiness? Break it down into steps and small skills. Like Teal Swan always says "Don't try to jump the grand canyon."

So this first concept we will discuss is called grasping. It entails a sence of desperation in not knowing the answer or being where you want to be.

.........

Where am i?

Im in the state of wanting a more fulfilling life. I want to be a better person and get more things done. I want to be a better mother. I want to be more creative and artistic. I want to be stronger and physically stable. I want to make a big jump.

How do i have those things?

I'm realising how training myself in doing the things i need to do in my life now can be fulfilling and spiritual training. These daily tasks are worth dveloping and supporting my family members is worth it too.

Happily Ever Now

I've adopted a new practice I'd like to share. Recently, it was recommended to me to do some inner child work, which involves talking to your childhood self and asking them what they need or want. Then I was moved to do something new. Inner childwork involves spliting your consciousness into parts, your adult self and your child self, so that there is a part of you that can ask and a part of you that can answer. It is surprisingly easy to do. In this way, you can return to certain ages or ocasions that were traumatizing and be the adult that takes care of yourself the way you should have been taken care of. For instance, if your six year old self needed a hug instead of to be put in time out, you can return to that difficult memory and imagine making it right. This is a beautiful way to show yourself love.

Once you try this simple method you realize that our minds are capable of a lot more than we use them for. Our mind is a vast and gigantic universe capable of almost anything in the realm of imagination and visualization. And our consciousness, like Consciousness itself, can be easily and effortlessly split into as many parts as we want. You could 'visit' as many inner children as you need to to heal your mind and soul. And not only that, you can create as many characters in your mind as you wish, who can participate in any way you want. This is what I did. I created a character of myself.

Allow me to introduce you to Lady Lua. She is the version of myself who is allowed at all times and under all condition to be as happy as she wants to be. The reason I created this self is because throughout my life for different reasons I have felt like I am not allowed to be happy. Well screw that, Lady Lua is always allowed to be happy. No matter what.

No matter what happens, she is allowed to be happy. No matter how sad the people around her are, she is allowed to be happy. No matter who is jealous or annoyed by her happiness, she is allowed to be happy. No matter how mad or sad or hurt I am, she is allowed to be happy. No matter how bad or wrong or lazy I am, she is allowed to be happy. No matter how dirty my apartment is, she is allowed to be happy. No matter how unjust the world can be, she is allowed to be happy. No matter how few friends I have, no matter how little money I have, no matter how unstylishly I'm dressed or how fat I am, she is always ALWAYS allowed to be happy.

Lady Lua's only job in this life (in my mind) is to sit on a thrown all day long and be giddy, happy and smiling. And all day long, while I go about my regular business, I can come to her and ask her what she thinks. I often come by with a tone of disbelief "What could you possibly have to be happy about in this situation?" or "Is there anyway you can be happy about that?!" And y'know what? I have been pleasantly surprised. Lady Lua is permitted to be any way she needs to be in order to be happy, under one condition, she must be honest and truthful. She can be as cynical and snide as she wants to be. And I've noticed that wether or not what's going on is good, she can twist it in a way that will make me giggle. She is also allowed to be vengeful, to be dark, and even creepy, if it makes her happy. She is allowed to like what she likes and only what she likes. She is allowed to be lazy, indulgent, luxurious, pompous, snyde, sarcastic, goofy, giddy, stupid, selfish, self loving, whatever, as long as it makes her happy.

The crown-shaped earrings I've been wearing all day ;)

Lady Lua sits all day on a giant golden thrown with red velvet upholstry, lounging around, wearing a crown and holding a sceptor. I think she thinks she is royalty but she might just be a court jester. Let it be known, I didn't pick these things for her. She did. I simply asked her where she was and what she was doing and this is what she told me. This is how our relationship works: I ask and she answers. You have to practice listening very deeply to hear your self, to not let your ego get in the way. But to my surprise, even though I have struggled with depression and sorrow, anger and resentment for many years, Lady Lua never finds it difficult to pick out an aspect that she likes or is happy about. She doesn't harbour grudges, she moves on quickly. She doesn't take anything too seriously, she is light and cheerful. And best of all, she doesn't shame herself. She does not feel ashamed of her happiness. She does not feel like she needs a reason or justification to be happy. She does not feel like a bad person if she laughs to herself about someone else. She does not force herself to be 'spiritual' or 'good' or 'kind'. She does not feel responsible for fixing problems, either mine or anyone elses. She just is happy.

She doesn't even force herself to be happy. Her best comment to date has been "It makes me happy that I don't have to have an opinion about that," and she turned to her smartphone and continued looking at memes lol! But she does not keep herself from being happy for any reason. Here are some quotable quotes (that I swear I didn't even expect):

________________________________________________________________________________

"How could you possibly be happy after that?!"

"Are you kidding?! I'm about to take a hot shower! I LOVE warm water!"

________________________________________________________________________________

"She never listens to anything you say. How could that make you happy?"

"Haha, well if she really isn't listening than it really doesn't matter what I say! I could say anything to her and she'd still do the same thing. I can say anything I want! Bam Pressure gone!"

________________________________________________________________________________

"How could you be happy about driving in a car for 5 hours?"

"I get to just sit here and do nothing, I LOVE doing nothing!"

________________________________________________________________________________

"How can you be happy about having a headache?"

"I like feeling pain."
(Yup, there's a big self realization for ya)

________________________________________________________________________________

"How could you be happy about him being angry?"

"He's doing it to himself. He deserves it. I'm glad he's getting what he deserves."

________________________________________________________________________________

Those are just a few examples of snipets of conversations we have had. I like Lady Lua because she is always there for me whenever I need her. She is never going to go anywhere. She is never going to lie to me. She has one purpose and that is to make herself happy. No! It is to allow herself to be happy! She doesn't even have to make ME happy. She could say something that might go against my whole vision of who I am or should be. But she doesn't care what I think about her. She just is, she is the uninhibited happy side of me. 

The benefit of spliting your personality is that it allows you to be a multi-dimensional person. For instance, say I'm having a fight with a loved one and to loose that person's esteem or love is very painful to me. I can still speak my truth to them and feel insecure and afraid. I can be sad and hurt and in pain, but if Lady Lua is happy because I spoke my mind, I can know that I am going in the right direction towards authenticity. 

It may seem like this alter-ego is just an excuse to be mean or rude or selfish. But she is also allowed to be as idealistic and dreamy-eyed as she wants to be. She is allowed to be a goody-too-shoes. She is allowed to be riteous. She is allowed to be the optimist if she wants to be. If it makes her happy, she is allowed to be that. I know it is imposible for a person to be happy all the time, but she is not a person. She is an incorporeal though-form not bound by time and space. She inhabits a timeless realm. She has access to information that even I don't know... or maybe don't want to know. She is not bound to my body, with it's neural adaptations and peptide addictions. She is not bound to my brain chemistry. She is not bound to my ego and my memories of the past or my desires for the future. She is only fed by one thought, and that is the vision of myself with a smile on my face. Most of the time she just says nonsence, but it's nonsence that makes me giggle and let's me feel free. She doesn't have to be right about everything or know what's best for me. I simply apreciate her existence. I'm happy she's 'there'. <3

So Reader, have you ever split your personality? What kind of alter-egos have you created? Do you have experiences doing inner child work? Tell me about them in a comment below :) I'd love to hear your take on it!