"Conscious"

A poem written by Lua Harmsen on September 26, 2012

"Conscious"

As I drag my feet in denile

As I close my eyes supressing every torrential wave

As I locked my doors so I could hide behind a smile

Time went on in that same way.

As I dragged my feet,

never stretched my legs,

darkness and shadows and clouds creeped in

a film, a gunk of constant turbulant woe

a storm began to brew in the coffee pot of my head

thoughts in a cyclon, sounds in a spin

till I couldn't hear myself

or maybe wouldn't listen

day after day it rained and it poured

week after week waves battered my shores

never a rest from my conscience

drivin relentless trying to get in a word

playing like a broken record

singing like a mocking bird

It's not easy to know what's right 

and ignor yourself.

As if there were two me's

in a constant battle

as I tried to please someone else more than my other self

i became divided, broken, shattered

using others as an excuse

we waged war

fighting with myself left me bruised and soar

grenades expode, bombs flash with tears

It took so long for the smoke to clear

I won't mention my battle

Till I let my self hear

It became to much to bare

daily agony of silence

never ending by itself

never letting up or tiring

there is a warrior in me 

but I'm the one she keeps in check

She'll wreck me and doesn't care

Learn to trust that conscience knows best

"Pain"

A poem written by Lua Harmsen on June 15, 2014

"Pain"

I'm desensotized

It's not right

It's not free

You should not feel your feelings

You should not cry

You ahould not speak

You are worthless

You're wrong

You're weak

Why should you have the luxury to feel what you feel?

When I live day by day 

Living through pain constantly

It will wear off

You'll get used to it

You little piece of shit

I hope you never heal fully

I hope you have to live with it

If you keep working

Someday you'll deserve a break

Some far off day

In wonderland

Where the streets are paved with gold

You can wear a pretty thorny crown

If you do just what you're told

It doesn't matter how you feel

Your body just lies to you

It wants to make you think you can do thiings you can't do

Or live a life you want

Or simply escape the pain

You're worthless 

And you're hopeless

There's no point 

It's all the same

Those people around you want you dead, 

Or in the palm of their hand

Why would any of them care if you ever stopped feeling pain?

There's nothing left to do but let go because they constantly demand

"Sometimes."

A poem written by Lua Harmsen on June 8, 2014

"Sometimes."

Sometimes I breath fire

Sometimes I'm ice cold

Sometimes I'm shy and timid

Sometimes I'm brave and bold

Sometimes my eyes are open

Sometimes they are closed

The lesson to be learned is to trust the ebb and flow

Sometimes I hate myself

But sometimes I'm so damn funny

Sometimes I feel gorgeous

And sometimes I think I'm ugly

Sometimes I know My power

And sometimes i need a hand

There is nothing wrong with being exactly who I am

Sometimes i see in technicolor

Sometimes the world is dark and gray

They greatest ability you have is to allow yourself to change

Sometimes i can remember

And sometimes i forget

That there's much more left to learn I'm not done here yet

Sometimes I am grateful

Sometimes I think I don't have enough

Sometimes I'm soft and gentle

Sometimes I am too rough

There's nothing to be feared

If you are sure and certain 

That sometimes you can open the window

And sometimes you can close the curtains...

To All My Inner Children

Journal entry written May 23, 2014

To all my inner children and to India,

I vow to love you like you should have been loved.

And to all you inner children,

I vow to to hold you when you need to be held,

I vow to sing to you when you need a song.

I vow to allow you to dance when you need to swing. 

I vow to let you go on the slide as many times as possible,

I vow to let you go on as many rollaer coasters and fair rides as your stomach will allow.

I vow to always let you draw pictures when you want to,

And to paint,

And to make as much food,

And wear as much makeup, 

And dance dance dance!

"Power"

A poem written by Lua Harmsen on August 12, 2014

"Power"

Powerless? 

Try power yes!

Like tiger's jaw

We all have strength no matter what

Like the babes' cry out

We work with what we've got

That power tool in your hand means you can construct

That switch on the wall means you can light things up

The slave's powerful hands are used by the owner to till the field

But his real power lies in the hymns that help him heal

And the songs that keep him smiling while chains tie down his feet

And when he looks up and his companions tender eyes meet

The power of the lion is ever present even when he sprawls in the sun

His mighty paw looses nothing by resting when the day is done

The might of the great oak lies not in what you see 

But in the strong deep roots below the tree

The power of an ax is nothing in itself, without the arms to wield it, no tool can ever help

The strength of those muscles is feeble if they never pull their weight

Only moving and repeating can ever change their state

"Grasping"

journal entry August 12, 2014

Grasping-

The first concept I would like to illustrate for you is that of grasping, and how it causes us pain. A lot of us have learned many notions and ideas of how to reach a state of enlightenment or happiness, but learning them mentally does not solve our problem. Have you ever heard the phrase " when you know better, you do better"? Its not exactly true. Being able to dictate the steps verbally does not mean we are able to execute them. So when someone tells us "you need to let go of your ego in order to be happy", it leaves us with more questions than we began with. What is the ego? How does it keep me from being happy? How do I let go of my ego? How do I tell the difference between my ego and my intuition?

So what is the solution when you have a big end goal like reaching enlightenment or happiness? Break it down into steps and small skills. Like Teal Swan always says "Don't try to jump the grand canyon."

So this first concept we will discuss is called grasping. It entails a sence of desperation in not knowing the answer or being where you want to be.

.........

Where am i?

Im in the state of wanting a more fulfilling life. I want to be a better person and get more things done. I want to be a better mother. I want to be more creative and artistic. I want to be stronger and physically stable. I want to make a big jump.

How do i have those things?

I'm realising how training myself in doing the things i need to do in my life now can be fulfilling and spiritual training. These daily tasks are worth dveloping and supporting my family members is worth it too.